Obituary

Beloved community,

So, I guess I’m dead….I’m sorry for your loss—is that weird for me to say to you all? I hope not, because I truly am sorry—for so many things really; too many things. I had hoped to live long enough to make things right with all whom I’ve wronged in person. But seeing as I’ve been killed by [insert name of person or disease here], I’ll have to make do with this letter which I’ve instructed my overpaid lawyer to post in the paper the moment my casket touches the earth—or the next day really, it all depends on the publishing schedule, the time of day, etc….you get it. Okay, here goes:

Adam Terrell—I’m sorry I stole your Klondike bar from the office freezer. It clearly had your name on it: a boundary I did not at all respect. Please forgive me. If it gives you any comfort, it may have caused my death…the guilt. Also, the bar had freezer burn and tasted of regret.

Marge Jones—Remember that time you openly accused me of taking a Snickers bar off your desk; I denied this adamantly. I lied. It was me. And actually, I’d do it all over again. You’re a horrible person. I hope to see you soon.

Terry Edson—My friendly neighbor….it was I who defecated on your lawn. I don’t own a dog. I never did. I thought you saw straight threw my lie, seeing as my pants were still half way down, and sweat was pouring down my face. But when you put up a sign the next day instructing people to pick up after their pets, I felt nothing but shame.  You believed in me, which must make this sting all the more.

Little Timmy—great grandson of my brother’s neighbor. It is to you who I apologize most sincerely and deeply. That day in the elevator, as you must have guessed, it was I who passed gas. I accused you and Mrs. Dannabum led the group in raucous laughter at your expense. Your face went pink with embarrassment. Do you remember? Someone else even farted back due to their uncontrolled, whole body chortling.

That’s it—all my regrets from my 96 years on this forsaken earth. I’ve had a great life. I wish you all the very best.

Sincerely,

Richard Closs,

Fmr. CEO of POC (Poseidon Oil Company)